(<3 minute read)

Reason 1: We've got generations of hush-hush history lingering in our minds.

Most of us grew up in families where it was taboo to talk about sex. And most cultures are pretty sex negative (which is thankfully shifting a bit). Because there was no great example of how to talk freely about sex, it can feel a bit unfamiliar, uncomfortable and awkward, even as a sexually-active adult.

Reason 2: Shame likes to wedge itself into us.

And lot of us are carrying shame around our sexuality, varying only by degree. Whether we have overt sexual trauma, were shamed for masturbating at a young age, absorbed messages about our body not being "sexy" or our sexual thoughts/urges being "bad" or "dirty", or any number of other things, this inherited sexual shame can cause us to dissociate from our sexuality. This means we may not really notice it (outside of when we're actually having sex), or think it's an important part of who we are. Thus, it gets put on the back burner to be dealt with after replying to emails, taking care of the kids, and finishing the laundry, etc (all of which are never-ending!).

Reason 3: Most of us never learned the skills to be confident lovers.

And beyond that, we may not have taken the time to really explore the ins and outs of our own pleasure and desire so it can be hard to specify what we want/like. Maybe we're fumbling in the dark a bit, afraid to admit we might not have all the answers.

Reason 4: We've been handed scripts...

From movies, books, and magazines, telling us how our love scenes should unfold. The movies always make sex look so easy and romantic! But what if we don't get to orgasm in missionary, or get turned on by romance? What if our desires are less "traditional"? Breaking away from the socially acceptable narratives around sex can be scary, so we might just clam up all together.

Reason 5: The fear of judgment can be pretty paralyzing.

At least I know it can be for me! We worry about how we'll be perceived, if we're going to say the wrong thing, if our desires will be accepted with open arms (they may not), if our boundaries will push our partner away.

Reason 6: We're worried we won't get what we want.

This is a big one that's often not talked about. As with any need or desire, there is a chance that our partner won't be available to give it to us. Thus, we might tell ourself, what's the point of even asking for/sharing it? (I'm a firm believer that even when someone cannot meet a need for us or fulfill a desire, it's important to share if/when we feel safe to do so. This builds intimacy and helps our partner get to know/understand us on a deeper level).

Reflect:

The first step to being more open with yourself, your partner, or future partners, is to bring awareness to why you might be guarding this part of you. (There's probably a *really* good reason). So I invite you to do a little inventory for yourself. Do you ever feel awkward, uncomfortable or ashamed talking about sex? If so, do any of the above reasons resonate with you? Is there another reason you struggle to openly talk about sex, or that you don't prioritize sex in your life? Journal about this or share below if you'd like.

Now, let's shed the layers of inhibition and make space for open, honest conversations about the unique universe that is your sexuality! Continue on to the practices for today.